If I could rewind time I would go back to about October 2003. I made all of my worst choices after that time. I know my decisions made me who I am but what if I don’t like who I am? I am definitely not the same person I was in 2003. I’m not even the same person I was in 2013. I have learned a lot but I’m still not sure if I am liking me.
The choices I have made in my life have directly affected the two most important people to me. My children. I never thought in a million years I would have a negative impact on my children. Never. The cold hard truth is that I have. Being mentally ill and an addict has something to do with this I’m sure, but it’s still me.
If I could rewind and freeze time I think I would actually go back to October of 2005 when my daughter was born. My son was only two and they were too small to understand there was anything wrong with me. They loved me more than anything in the world and another woman had not yet taken my place as their mom. I would give anything to go back there.
It’s Sunday and I am supposed to have my kids. I haven’t seen them in two months. I’m having serious money problems and my car is broke down. My kids live an hour away. I tried to get the money together to go get them but failed. Although I know I did what I could, they probably don’t see it that way. They see that their mom has disappointed them again.
So like I said, I’m not sure I like me. At least I don’t like me right now. Right now, I would say I pretty much suck. That is all…