Fighting Sucks

The only thing I really despise about being in a serious committed relationship, is the arguing and fighting. I hate it, I really do.

I have a problem. I get so mad that I fly off the mouth and say mean and horrible things I don’t mean. The enormous problem is that I don’t realize at the time that I don’t mean what I’m saying.

Although my man gives off the “tough guy” vibe, I know his true self, his soul. I know I hurt him and I feel terrible. I know I will end up apologizing, so why do I feel the need to make him suffer first? That’s cruel, right?

Manipulation was taught to me in such a nonchalant and artful way that sometimes I don’t realize I’m doing it until later. At that moment of clarity, I feel like I am scum of the earth.

Guilt sucks and I am so good at it. That’s part of my training as well. I was always taught to put others needs before my own. That’s a nice thing but sometimes we have to think about ourselves. We are the biggest advocate for ourselves. Who knows you better than you?

I feel so guilty. I can tell I hurt him. A small part of me thinks it could be his manipulation technique. Don’t fall for it! I hope that isn’t the case because he is pitiful right now. I want to run up to him and hug and kiss his face. I don’t though because of another ugly thing, pride.

It’s true that my boyfriend has done or said his share of hurtful things. However, I should not be vindictive. I should lead. I should be an example of how I want to be treated, and I would probably be treated in the way I am after. Maybe not.

I owe it to our relationship and to the man I love to treat him with respect. This is something I really struggle with if I am feeling disrespected. It’s a “if it’s good for the goose” thing I suppose. Like he so lovingly pointed out, that is being vindictive. At that moment I didn’t get it. The ah-ha moment came later after I calmed down a little.

He was right. I wanted him to feel the way he made me feel. I shouldn’t want that. I should want to show him love and respect at all times.

He made some reasonable requests, as did I. I am going to do my best to follow through. After giving my best effort, if it doesn’t work out, I can honestly say I did everything I could do to treat him the way he needed and wanted to be treated.

I can and will do this because at the end of the day, I love him. I cannot believe I just wrote that, I hate that phrase. Perhaps I am doing some self-punishment by means of putting normal, fine words, into an annoying group. That explains it.

Maybe I’m just an asshole? This could also be true. Damn. Self-reflection can really slap you in the face with the truth. Ugh…

I love my man. I have some making up to do.

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