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Mental illness Thoughts on life

Am I Ever Happy?


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Someone asked me today if I’m ever happy. This question followed a bitch out session by yours truly. I had a good reason to bitch, trust me. I guess everyone usually feels justified when bitching someone out. If you know you’re wrong and keep complaining, then you’re… just a bitch.

I sat in the car and contemplated this thing called happiness and wondered, “What the hell is that?”

This person is right, I’m not happy and am rarely satisfied with anything in my life right now. So what do I do about it?

I figure I have one of two choices. Either accept my life for what it is and shut the hell up, or change it. So, which one do I choose? Hell, I don’t know. If I knew the answer, I would probably be happy.

So there you have it. The answer is very simple. Everyone else has to change their ways to make me happy.

Since that will never happen, I have to do something different. I am just as tired of bitching as everyone is tired of hearing it. My bitching has gotten to the point where I am annoying myself. That’s pretty bad.

So my message to everyone is, I will do my best to stop all the complaining.

Life sucks sometimes. Adulting especially sucks. When my husband was still alive he was stressed about money all the time. I wasn’t. I didn’t have to worry about it because he did all the worrying. Now I have to do it all and damn it, Keith, wherever you are, please know I get it now!

Eventually, no one will want to be around me with all of this negative energy. I need a Snickers and a Disney movie or musical stat! This is an emergency. If I can’t be happy with chocolate and Disney then I need a lobotomy.

Well… I am totally bombing the no complaining thing.

My first positive statement in this ridiculous post, is that thanks to the new medication I’m on, I’m not depressed. Unhappy? Yes. Depressed? No. So that’s a plus, right?

I have to start thinking more on the positive side. This negativity is turning me into a bitter bitch and that’s not me. Plus, I don’t want to be alone my whole life and I definitely don’t want the 100 cats that inevitably goes along with that.

The new me will begin… Tomorrow. Then, I will be a ray of fucking sunshine. Lookout.

By Sarah Jones

My name is Sarah Jones and I am the author of the blog "Inside My Manic Mind". I began blogging as a way to cope with my grief after my husband's suicide October 23, 2017. Like my husband, I also suffer from episodes of severe mental Illness. My goal is to educate those who are not mentally ill about what mental illness is and what it isn't. I hope that by educating people we can fight the stigma surrounding mental illness that still exists, even in 2020. I also am reaching out to those suffering from mental Illness and relating to them with my personal experiences. Lastly, if I can save a single life from suicide and their families the heartbreak that follows, I am not only honoring my late husband but hopefully helping someone feeling so alone and desperate by letting them know they are NOT alone. To me, that would be success.

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