If I am to be honest, I have been a cheater and a liar before. In fact, I had an affair during my first marriage which ultimately ended the relationship. Once trust is broken, it’s incredibly difficult to get it back.
Of course, no one cares about how the cheater feels, they cheated. They deserve pain, guilt and whatever else happens as a result of their bad karma. Until I was the cheater, I assumed they didn’t feel guilty about their actions anyway.
I can’t speak for all cheaters or former cheaters, but not only did it not feel good to cheat, the remorse I felt once I was found out and seeing the pain I caused was truly awful.
Karma working the way it does, it would make sense for me to pay for my decision to cheat. The mere feelings I had were not sufficient. Well, I paid in spades.
Everyone knows the saying, ” once a cheater, always a cheater”. That rule doesn’t apply to everyone.
I became an anti-cheater, or as someone affectionately called me, the “Monogamy Nazi”.
Honesty, fidelity, and trust became the most important things in the world to me. There is no room in my world for infidelity.
Lying and cheating tend to go hand in hand. Lies become necessary to carry out the cheating and to keep the affair going. Once the habit of lying has begun, it’s like a contagious illness, it spreads. It spreads into all areas of your daily life, and after a while you may even begin to believe the lies yourself.
With my monogamy comes honesty. I am honest to a fault at this time in my life. I have never liked to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I will if I have to.
*If anyone would like me to tell you about yourself, just ask. I will begrudgingly oblige.*
Keith’s death also has contributed to my lack of filter. My mother-in-law refers to a condition very similar as “grief-stripping”.
The whole point of this rant is to let it be known that I understand what it feels like from both sides, and they both suck.
Being the one cheated on feels horrible because of the betrayal. Your body and soul should belong to your partner, and that is sacred. When betrayal occurs, it’s a violation of this sacred bond and ultimately, a violation of trust.
Being the one cheating sucks on a different level. You know you’re screwing up, and you know you could lose everything you have that truly means everything to you, but the lure of infidelity can be exciting and intoxicating.
Once the cheating has happened, there’s no going back. You can’t take it away, no matter how much you may want to. If your partner finds out or you tell them, their pain becomes your pain, and it should. I had to keep in mind that the pain I felt merely witnessing my partner’s pain, was nothing compared to how felt.
My pain was well deserved.
The cheater and the partner (or former partner), now have to deal with the consequences of infidelity.
If you stay together, be prepared for a lot of work. Relationships are hard work without betrayal, so throwing the wrench of deceit into the mess makes it extra tough, but It can be done.
My best advice is this; cheaters, accept responsibility. Do not blame your partner for your bad choices. It’s your fault and yours alone. If there is a problem at home, go home and fix it. All of that energy used to lie and sneak around can be transferred to your relationship and fixing what’s broken.
Ok, now the victims, because that’s what you are. The betrayal feels awful when it’s done to you. If your partner comes clean and wants to work things out with you, you have a decision to make.
Do you stay with this person, or go?
If you stay, be prepared for a tough road. If you leave, then do your best to move on in a healthy way. In both cases, forgiveness is in order.
Always remember, forgiving isn’t for the person who wronged you, it’s for you.
Respect yourself, love yourself. Make your stance on what your needs are and stick to your guns. If your partner loves you and truly wants to make it work, they will work to keep you and they should.
If they won’t fight to keep you and work really hard, LET THEM GO.