I came back to me and Jason’s apartment yesterday about noon. I had good intentions of packing since I have the moving truck on Monday, but I didn’t do much of anything. Yesterday marked exactly one month since the fatal accident that took my honey’s life, and every time I looked around I just saw the two of us here.
I thought about him unpacking the place so I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and come out of my room. Now the fact that some boxes overwhelmed me is a fucking joke. Everywhere I look there is a thought, or a memory of me and Jason. The painting he bought me of Mother Earth, the ugly ceramic wall hanging of a renaissance couple he got for me at a yard sale, and the empty CD cases I griped at him about. Every corner and every surface has a memory attached to it.
My favorite night was a couple months ago. We were hanging out together listening to music and talking when he told me he had a confession. Oh shit, I thought. I figured he had done something that I was going to be super upset about. He told me he was full of shit. I laughed and told him of course I knew that. He said, no, you don’t understand the extent of my storytelling. He went on to tell me story after story, and what was complete fabrication, what was somewhat true, and then, what was totally true.
That was when I figured out that Jason had a different persona for everyone in his life. After a couple hours of confessing to me, he looked down and said, so you’re probably going to leave me… I said, hell no. At least you told me! He smiled a rare full out smile, and said he would never leave me. That was in November.
I heard Jason tell his fabricated life stories to so many people, even after he had confessed the real deal to me. I just let him have it. I figured there was a reason he felt like he had to do that. Then, I figured it out.
Most of his stories circled around a common theme. Family, and a sense of belonging. Jason never quite felt like he belonged in his family. He was adopted by great parents, but he longed to find out where he came from. He fashioned a life for himself that explained why he was so different from the people that raised him. The reality is that he felt like a black sheep and not knowing his origin exacerbated his loneliness. He dove headfirst into a life of addiction as a teenager and discovered he could numb his feelings and control his thoughts through substance abuse.
It’s all so very sad.
I chose to love Jason unconditionally and without precedent. I saw his struggle and watched his heart break when no one else was around. The disappointment he felt he caused everyone who loved him, was at times unbearable to him, and he would inevitably feel like a failure. So, Jason chose to focus on what he could control. His story he told everyone, maintaining his separate personas, and hiding who he was from the majority of people who knew him.
The people who really took the time and energy to see Jason, ended up seeing through the fascade and became aware of his warm, gooey center. He would say and do the sweetest things and when I pointed out how sweet he was, he always said , shhhh! Don’t tell anyone!
I’m proud of who Jason was when he was his authentic self. Those who never got to know the real Jason, truly missed out. He was very intelligent, although he hid it pretty well sometimes. We would talk for hours about the many different mysteries of the universe and how humans are beginning to exist on a higher frequency. At least, our energy is. We discussed subjects he refused to talk about with most people because we learned from each other. We discussed religion, same-sex marriage, abortion, and politics. Most people have heard him refer to those subjects as “The 5 things he will NOT talk about”. His views would probably surprise a lot of people.
I miss him… So incredibly much. This is all so painful. I’m going to continue boxing up me and Jason’s life together. I’ll put it in storage tomorrow and hold on to something he said to me a long time ago when I was missing my husband. He said, “you will always have your memories. No one can ever take those away from you.” How right you were baby. How right you were…