My Sweet, Sweet Husband

Yesterday marked two years since my husband left this realm of reality that is our planet, Earth. He is out there now on the ultimate adventure and a part of me is a little jealous.

I’m not suicidal or anything, I just am so curious about what is beyond our limited knowledge and understanding of the afterlife and what happens to us. It’s fascinating.

One thing I know for certain is that we don’t really die. The part of us that is “us”, or the soul is made up of energy. The law of conservation of energy states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only be transformed or transferred from one form to another.

I know Keith is still around because I feel him all the time. Sometimes I can even hear him if I’m quiet and still long enough to pay attention. Then there are the dreams.

He hasn’t come to me more than a handful of times in my dreams that I can recall. When he does though, it always seems like a real visit. It’s different from a normal dream. It feels as if we are in a different dimension and we are the only two entities that exist there.

Yesterday, I pretty much stayed in bed. I slept off and on and during one of my naps, Keith came. He picked me up from someplace and said, “Are you ready, dear?”

I ran up to him and threw my arms around him immediately in tears and exclaimed, “Where have you been?? You were gone forever, I thought you were dead!”

He replied, “Now, you know I’m not dead, right?”

I looked up at him incredulously and said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I know that, but why can’t I see you anytime I want?”

He said something poignant to me and I remembered the gist of it when I woke up so I looked it up. It was a quote by the poet Emily Dickinson.

Keith smiled at me and said, “Forever is composed of moments.”

Frustrated I asked what he meant and he basically said that I have many things to accomplish while I’m here. Be patient and take nothing for granted. He said he will always be close by, keeping watch, and loving me. He said after my series of moments on this plane of existence, he will come for me and we can be together. Until then I must be satisfied with the lovely invasion into my sleep.

We ended our visit with something we said to each other every day we were together.

I said, “You are my sweet, sweet husband.”

He returned with, “And you are my lovely wife.”

Me & my sweet, sweet husband Keith. Photo taken two days prior to his suicide.
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The Kids Are NOT Alright

Mental illness showed up in me at a young age beginning with O.C.D. and morphing into full blown depression by my teen years. Although those things were difficult to deal with as a kid, dealing with having a mentally ill parent was just as difficult, if not more so at times.

The thought that I could put my own children through something similar to my own experience never really occurred to me. I dont know why it didn’t. I believe I sincerely thought that I could raise my children relatively unscathed by my illness. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Not only have my children been affected negatively, they could possibly have a more difficult time than I had ever endured. It’s also possible that it seems more difficult to me because it’s my babies, not me going through it. Emotionally damaging my children is something I absolutely would never consciously do.

Being in denial that my children have been affected negatively by my illness wouldn’t help a damn thing. In fact, I would really like to put us in family therapy to help us cope with the past, present and future.

Hopefully I can convince the rest of their family to be supportive of the therapy. After all, it is mainly for the children’s benefit.

Now that my kids are teenagers, they are beginning to feel resentment toward me and what I don’t think they realize, is that I get it! My mama was bat shit crazy at times and although she did her best, it wasn’t always easy being her daughter.

I wish my kids could see what’s in my heart. They would see the unconditional love and devotion I feel toward them. They aren’t just my babies, they are amazing human beings. They truly are the whole package. Smart, funny, compassionate, the kind of kids women dream about having.

My hope is that my kids and I can have open communication about mental illness and how it’s affecting them. With love, patience, and an open mind, I’m sure that we will get through life together.

I’m certain that we will not get through our life together unscathed. It’s not possible. Getting through it and becoming stronger and better is possible for everyone involved. That’s a challenge I’m willing to accept.

Am I Ever Happy?

Featured photo: cafepress.com Gifs: giphy.com

Someone asked me today if I’m ever happy. This question followed a bitch out session by yours truly. I had a good reason to bitch, trust me. I guess everyone usually feels justified when bitching someone out. If you know you’re wrong and keep complaining, then you’re… just a bitch.

I sat in the car and contemplated this thing called happiness and wondered, “What the hell is that?”

This person is right, I’m not happy and am rarely satisfied with anything in my life right now. So what do I do about it?

I figure I have one of two choices. Either accept my life for what it is and shut the hell up, or change it. So, which one do I choose? Hell, I don’t know. If I knew the answer, I would probably be happy.

So there you have it. The answer is very simple. Everyone else has to change their ways to make me happy.

Since that will never happen, I have to do something different. I am just as tired of bitching as everyone is tired of hearing it. My bitching has gotten to the point where I am annoying myself. That’s pretty bad.

So my message to everyone is, I will do my best to stop all the complaining.

Life sucks sometimes. Adulting especially sucks. When my husband was still alive he was stressed about money all the time. I wasn’t. I didn’t have to worry about it because he did all the worrying. Now I have to do it all and damn it, Keith, wherever you are, please know I get it now!

Eventually, no one will want to be around me with all of this negative energy. I need a Snickers and a Disney movie or musical stat! This is an emergency. If I can’t be happy with chocolate and Disney then I need a lobotomy.

Well… I am totally bombing the no complaining thing. It’s just that I have so much stuff to complain about and so little time.

My first positive statement in this ridiculous post is that thanks to the new medication I’m on, I’m not depressed. Unhappy? Yes. Depressed? No. So that’s a plus, right?

I have to start thinking more on the positive side. This negativity is turning me into a bitter bitch and that’s not me. Plus, I don’t want to be alone my whole life and I definitely don’t want the 100 cats that inevitably goes along with that.

The new me will begin… Tomorrow. Then, I will be a ray of fucking sunshine. Lookout.

Love In A Time Of Pure Craziness

There is a lot I can’t say on this platform for various reasons. The most important reason is that my children have access to my blog and I want their innocence to remain intact as long as possible.

I can say though, that I have had a very full and interesting life with so many stages, twists, turns, heartbreak and a lot of love thrown in the mix.

Everyone has been asked at one time or another, if they could live their life over again if they would change anything. I have heard about fifty percent say yes and fifty percent say no.

I am on the fence about that particular question and have gone back and forth on my opinion of it many times over the years.

I have had the same generic answer everyone usually gives when referring to a life of no regrets. It usually goes something like this… “I have no regrets because my mistakes have helped mold me into the person I am today.”

I’m calling bullshit on that whole thing. Okay, it’s not complete bullshit, but come on. Of course we have regret. Of course we wish our lives had been a little easier or we had taken that vacation last summer. Everyone has regret.

Before you argue or dismiss what I’m saying, think about the last time you said, “I wish I had (fill in blank).” Five minutes after I began writing this piece I said, “Man, I wish I had made coffee before I started this.” Regret.

We all regret something, and if we can regret something as small as the route we took to the mall, it’s safe to say we regret some of our past mistakes.

Where I think the “no regrets” speech sort of applies, is within the lessons we learn. I believe we can regret our choices or how some things have played out while still appreciating what we took away from the experience.

I’ve talked about learning and the evolution of the soul in past posts and this regret thing applies. Why can’t we be all of it? Regretful, yet grateful? It’s ok to have regret. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a weak person. What makes you strong is the presence of gratitude.

You might want to smack the hell out of me right now. I get it. However, in times when we reflect on our lives and feel regret, it’s so important to look at where the choices led you and be grateful you made it through without killing everyone.

It’s ok to regret and wish things had gone differently, just don’t beat yourself up about it. Forgive yourself or others involved, be grateful for what you took away from the experience and move forward. Hopefully not making the same mistake multiple times. Even if you do make the same mistakes again, just know you simply haven’t learned what you’re supposed to yet, so look closer at it. Try something different because the old way doesn’t work, you already know that because of regret.

I choose to be grateful for regret. It reminds me that I’m human and imperfect. It also reminds me that I have a conscience telling me, “Girl, that shit ain’t right.” Embrace your regret and then bury it in the backyard next to your ex-husband. (Just kidding).

I’m going to share my favorite quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson I believe fits well here.

Write it on your heart
that every day is the best day in the year.
He or she is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day
who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.
Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

This new day is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

Without you

By Sarah Jones

Dedicated to Keith Jones

I thank God

That these tears will fall

All I see

Is that without you, I’m weak

I should have stopped you

I didn’t know, I didn’t know. 

All I see is that without you, I’m lost 

All I know, is that without you, I bleed

I should have known 

The pain you felt

I felt you every second, every minute

How could I not, how could I not know

That day is imprinted inside me 

All I see is that without you, I sing

All I know,  is that these tears will fall 

But I didn’t know, I didn’t know

That you were in pain

All I need is to dream

Then all I see is you

All I know is that these tears will fall 

Until we meet again 

It’s only me…

This song came to me yesterday after a visit from my late husband in a dream. He died by suicide, and this song is about and dedicated to his beautiful memory. I will love him and miss him every day of my life.

Also, a little inside joke for you. The last line , “it’s only me”, was something he always said when I complimented him.

Perception Is Reality

I used to at least always attempt to be optimistic about everything, even when the universe seemed against me. This is a feat I struggle with immensely now, especially after everything I have been through in my life.

Years of mental health issues, tragedy, or just being a grumpy asshole can turn the optimist into the pessimist; ultimately changing not only one’s perceptions but the course of one’s life.

The butterfly effect based on chaos theory was originally centered around the weather. Since the 1980s, people have also come to think the butterfly effect is a metaphor for how a small, seemingly insignificant event or action can affect or even completely change the outcome.

Perception is kind of like that. What we perceive in any area of life is our reality. You can think, speak or believe things into existence including happiness.

For us mental patients, this is such a good idea in theory but damn near impossible.

I believe to my very core, that the meaning of life is so simple, just hard to attain.

Gratitude and Love

Simple, right? Easy? No. It seems easy but it’s not. Life makes us bitter and angry.

Even the nicest person can have tons of pent up anger and aggression while appearing to be happy and healthy. A person can even be unaware of these toxic feelings until one day they just, snap.

Anger and aggression aren’t even what makes gratitude and love the most difficult.

It gets the hardest when tragedy enters your life. It’s very hard to love and be grateful when your spouse or child just died.

It’s unfair and makes no sense to us when tragedy happens. The only explanation I can come up with is that we are supposed to learn something, and we either get it or we don’t. If we don’t get it in this lifetime, maybe we will in the next one.

Learning to live a life of gratitude and love is very difficult. I know from personal experience that when we at least attempt to attain a life of gratitude and love, the results are magical.

Suddenly doors open that were previously closed, relationships improve and you start living a life you always wanted.

Try it. Make a serious conscious effort to live your life with gratitude and love for two weeks. Hell, try it for one week. You will find something you have been looking for…

Happiness.

I HATE Money! Wait…

Like most Americans I have money problems. I have bad money problems. If you have been following my blog or know me, then you are aware I am now receiving social security disability benefits. I am so grateful for my mental illness to finally be recognized as a disability, but I am not making it. I make less than $1,000 a month and my expenses are more than I bring in.

Hmmm… So you might say, “well dumbass, lower your expenses!” I don’t go out, I don’t buy clothes or anything fun. Hell, I don’t even pay for drugs. Do you want to know where my money goes? FOOD! I’m not even talking about good food. I’m talking about cheap food. When I started getting disability my food stamps were lowered to $17 a month. I’m not even kidding. What am I going to do with that?? It’s no wonder why people hustle and commit fraud. They’re starving to death!

My therapist and I discussed going to various food banks around town and it’s looking like I’m going to have to. I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice. It’s not what you may think either. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of needing assistance. It’s people. The simple act of being in the presence of people, freaks me the fuck out. You never know who you will encounter anywhere but you can bet on running into really annoying people at the food bank. The volunteers are usually cool, it’s everyone else that freaks me out. I don’t understand why poverty turns people into ignorant idiots. Stress? That must be it. They can’t handle any more bullshit, especially logic entering their brains. Alas, I must eat for survival purposes so I am going to brave the food bank. (I did not intend for those statements to be judgemental in any way, I just dislike human interaction occasionally. So what!)

My therapist also suggested going to several food banks but I think that he has a lot of pent up anger toward poverty stricken people himself and really just wants me to kill people. That is the only reasonable explanation to why he would suggest something so obviously ludacras Doesn’t he listen to me whine and bitch about people on a weekly basis? You would think he would know better to than to suggest such a thing. He is not thinking about anyone’s safety here. Hahaha, he needs therapy.

I will figure all of this out I’m sure, I always do, but damn it I’m so tired of living this way. It would be so cool if someone invented a pill you could take every day that would immediately eliminate the need for food. Think about how many problems that would solve. That’s a bee in your little inventors bonnet I will just give you for free because that’s the kind of poverty level citizen I am. The nice and crazy kind. The best kind in my opinion.

Ok, I’m rambling. My brain is full, I’m stressed, and so I’m ending this before I become an ignorant idiot. All I can think about now is inventors wearing bonnets… Fuck my life.