My Depression

I HATE DEPRESSION…
My mental illness is anything but quiet. In spending a short time with me you would start noticing strange things. The first thing you might notice is my inability to leave my room. My boyfriend has had friends over several times before I met them. And I was home. I often wonder how he explains this to people. He probably tells people he’s trapped in this crazy hellhole with me against his will and to please help him escape! He’s the “Paul Sheldon” and I’m the “Annie Wilkes” in this scenario. In fact, my boyfriend has the ability to piss me off to the point where I could probably break his legs to keep him from escaping if he catches me in the wrong mood. (Perhaps that should be struck from this post)
My symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder are at times so severe it’s terrifying for me. I can only imagine how horrible it can be for him or anyone else in my little world. The symptoms are usually the same when I am in the throes of this mental state.
Lethargy
No appetite, or I eat everything in site.
Cranky
Weepy
Panicky
Hopeless
Negative mindset
Memory loss
Ability to fly off the fucking handle (I’m sure this is my boyfriends favorite).
In short, I am a wonderful person to be around.

I’m a mess right now. My meds aren’t working (if I remember to take them), I have been avoiding my therapist along with the rest of my mental health team, my family and I aren’t really speaking right now, and my house is a disaster. I feel myself unraveling. It’s a horrible situation only worsening with every passing week.
The worst part of this episode right now is how incredibly overwhelmed I feel. This feeling only gets worse due to my inability to do anything. Things keep piling on. I go further into debt, my house gets messier, dirtier, and I avoid everyone, including my children. It gets to the point that it’s embarrassing to reach out because it’s been so long. I’m ashamed. The shame adds to my downward spiral and leads to the mother of all shitty feelings. GUILT… I feel like the worlds most awful mother. I should be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and face my life. So why can’t I? How can I be aware of what I need to do yet be so powerless to do anything about it? If anyone figures this out, let a bitch know.
I really need to find a part-time job somewhere. This brings a whole new set of stress and anxiety. What if I simply cannot do it? The thought of failing at a little part-time job horrifies me. I’m not sure I can handle another failure. What I would love to do is write for pay! That seems unattainable since I basically journal my thoughts and feelings for the world. I’m not really writing anything of real substance. I’m so afraid to fail that I do nothing and that leaves me with my second most terrible feeling. Uselessness…
I have to get it together, and I know I will. Thank God I have the love and devotion of this man. I don’t know what I would do without him. So, to all of you suffering right now and wallowing in your own bullshit, know that you are not alone. We will get better and these feelings are temporary. Repeat that to yourself over, and over again. It will get better. It has to, right??

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My Love

So my man is not perfect by any means. In fact, we have had our share of issues since the beginning of us. One thing I am absolutely certain of however, is that he and I are meant to be together. There have been many crazy coincidences since we met that cannot be ignored. I met a woman recently that has known my man since he was very little and this woman also knows my family including my mom and favorite uncle. This is just one of many things that is a little creepy.

I have a “pod” theory. I believe we all have a “pod”. It includes people we know or have yet to know and that we are meant to know. I believe we have more than likely lived many lifetimes with these same souls with their involvement in our lives varying from lifetime to lifetime. I think we keep finding each other over and over again because we each fill a purpose for someone or more than likely, multiple people. Meeting Jason in this lifetime has taught me innumerable lessons and also given me a love I never thought I would ever have again.

When I lost my husband Keith in October 2017, I was convinced he had been my greatest love and I would never find that again. I was ok with ending up an old spinster with 100 cats. I thought I saw my future so clearly. I was so, so wrong. Jason came into my life unexpectedly and the love that followed being even more unexpected. I was in the throws of grief and he helped me in ways no one else could have. We have had problems though and it’s been a tough road at times but it was bound to be. He was newly divorced and I was newly widowed. We weren’t ready for what was happening yet there it was. With these life changing events right under us, there have naturally been challenges. The awesome thing is that we continue to thrive and grow together as a couple, as friends and as a family that we are creating together. He is my family.

I have been struggling lately with trust. It’s made me clingy and weird and I have hated myself for acting this way. I have come to a realization that I trust him 100 percent with my life, my heart and my soul, and this fear I have is based on actions of his, which were based on his own fears. The most important thing is that not only is he still here with me, but he chooses me every day and I choose him. I have every confidence that our upcoming marriage will be strong and last because we have already survived the impossible together and survived the even further impossible before we ever met. We are simply survivors. I can’t think of anyone I would rather do the rest of life with other than him and thank God I don’t have to think about that. My man is here with me and here is where he will always be. It feels good to know that and really know.

Confusion

I am thoroughly confused. I used to be able to come up with a plan but now I feel like I’m floating through space. I’m confused because I can’t figure it out. Depression doesn’t help when it comes to decision making. Medication makes me feel numb, while not taking it makes me feel everything. The balance is off.

Where do I go from here? Every day seems like the one before and I’m going nowhere. I need a goal and a hobby. Right now my life is pretty pathetic and vacuous. I know I will figure everything out, I always do. The “figuring it out” journey is long and painful at times, but it’s doable.

It’s bothering me that my relationships have suffered so much during this phase of my life. I’m just simply trying to survive my bromidic life.

Crazy People News

‘Kill ’em with kindness:’ Florida man with ‘kindness’ written on knife accused of assault

USA Today

January 13, 2019 7:28 pmFollow

A Florida man is accused of cutting a man with a machete-style knife moments after he was heard threatening to kill someone “with kindness.”

Bryan Stewart, 30, is accused of using the knife — with the word “kindness” written on it — to cut his neighbor after the neighbor came to the home because he was concerned about occupants in the house.

A neighbor told Santa Rosa County Sheriff’s Office deputies that he heard yelling and banging at his neighbor’s house in the 6400 block of Bruce Lane all day.

Bryan Stewart(Photo: Courtesy of the Santa Rosa County Jail Log)

The victim, another neighbor, said that around midnight he could hear Stewart say to someone in the house that he was going to “kill ’em with kindness,” according to the Stewart’s arrest report.

When the first neighbor approached the house to tell Stewart to keep it down, Stewart came out of the house with a knife raised in an upward motion, according to the report.

At that point, the victim stepped in front of the man and blocked Stewart’s attempted knife strike. As a result, the man told deputies he suffered a half-inch cut on his left hand.

When Stewart was arrested, deputies say his breath smelled of alcohol and they had to repeat things to the suspect numerous times.

Stewart had to be stunned with a Taser in order to be detained inside of the patrol car, his report said, and also had to be hobbled after he repeatedly kicked and banged his head inside the car.

Stewart was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without the intent to kill and aggravated battery. Stewart is in Santa Rosa County Jail on $20,000 bond.

Get A Firm Grip Girl, Before You Let Go

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

We don’t say everything
That we could
So that we can say later
Oh, you misunderstood
I hold my cards up
Close to my chest
I say what I have to
And I hold back the rest

‘Cause someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

Dress down get out there
Pick a fight with the police
We will get it all on film
For the new release
Seems like everyone’s an actor
Or they’re an actor’s best friend
I wonder what was wrong to begin with
That they should all have to pretend

We lost sight of everything
When we have to keep checking our backs
I think we should all just smile
Come clean and relax

But he says, someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

If there’s anything I’ve learned
All these years on my own
It’s how to find my own way there
Find my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way, my own way, my own way, my own way
My own way

You are subtle as a window pane
Standing in my view
But I will wait for it to rain
So that I can see you
You call me up at night
When there’s no light passing through
And you think that I don’t understand
But I do

Someone you don’t know
Is someone you don’t know
Get a firm grip, girl
Before you let go
For every hand extended
Another lies in wait
Keep your eye on that one
Anticipate

The Forgetting Is What Defines Me


Life used to be life-like
Now it’s more like show biz
I wake up in the night
And I don’t know where the bathroom is
And I don’t know what town I’m in
Or what sky I am under
And I wake up in the darkness and I
Don’t have the will anymore to wonder
Everyone has a skeleton
And a closet to keep it in
And you’re mine
Every song has a you
A you that the singer sings to
And you’re it this time
Baby, you’re it this timeWhen I need to wipe my face
I use the back of my hand
And I like to take up space
Just because I can
And I use my dress
To wipe up my drink
I care less and less
What people think
And you are so lame
You always disappoint me
It’s kinda like our running joke
But it’s really not funny
I just want you to live up to
The image of you I create
I see you and I’m so unsatisfied
I see you and I dilateSo I’ll walk the plank and I’ll jump with a smile
If I’m gonna go down
I’m gonna do it with style
And you won’t see me surrender
You won’t hear me confess
‘Cause you’ve left me with nothing
But I’ve worked with less
And I learn every room long enough
To make it to the door
And then I hear it click shut behind me
And every key works differently
I forget every time
And the forgetting defines me
That’s what defines meWhen I say you sucked my brain out
The english translation
Is I am in love with you
And it is no fun
But I don’t use words like love
‘Cause words like that don’t matter
But don’t look so offended
You know, you should be flattered
And I wake up in the night
In some big hotel bed
My hands grope for the light
My hands grope for my head
The world is my oyster
The road is my home
And I know that I’m better
Off alone



A Thousand Eyes Will Smolder With Jealousy While You Are Just Flying Past

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Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
‘Cause someday you are gonna get hungry
And eat most of the words you just said
Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I’d passed and left them alone
God help you if you are an ugly girl
‘Cause too pretty is also your doom
‘Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And god help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past
And I’ve never tried to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t wanna live that way
No, I will never be a saint
But I will always say
Squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might wanna turn your head
‘Cause someday you might find you’re starving
And eating all of the words you said
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Ani Difranco